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While doing the hard job of cleaning out the sewing/crafts/laundry/rumpus room, (AKA the garage) I had a wave of disappointment hit me.
I often struggle with guilt when I craft or do anything that is creative, because I have SO MUCH. Way too much. And I am a child of a parent who lived during the depression, and I tend to keep basically everything: every little scrap of fabric, (who knows when you might need a little heart our of that?) every child's notes, drawings and even blurry and out of focus pictures, with the intentions of scrapbooking them someday. (Besides, I am a sentimental person, and forgetful, so I have to keep those things around to remind me of the events and loves of my life). And I do like stuff. It makes me happy to see all the potential. But it also makes me feel guilty. And I think I inherited my mom's hoarding gene. Whatever. Its mine now. And I am hoarding it, too.
So when organizing all this stuff, (My hubby has another word for it, however I don't use that word, cause it is a "bathroom word") I was vascilating between guilt and elation, when a wave of disappointment hit me. It was early in the morning, and I had worked one full day and was looking forward to finishing the task.
I asked God, "why am I feeling like this? I feel like I am so hyper-focused on the task that I left you out again. Left you behind and I am functioning in my own will and my own strength. And I am missing you. Did I leave you again, Lord?"
As a side note, I feel this way when I just go my own way. Often setting up whatever it is as an idol, giving it way more honor than it deserves. Basically, when I leave God out of my life.
But I also feel this way when, for whatever reason, I start feeling guilty about whatever it is that I am currently feeling guilty about.
Today it was the garage. Specifically, the time it was taking to organize all my collections of (insert "bathroom word" here). Ahem. Stuff.
God showed up AGAIN, reminding me of all the great ideas He gave me as I sought to please Him. He reminded me that He was with me in the meals Don lovingly prepared for our family so I could continue the work. He reminded me of the wheeled cart he provided. And of the future fun and blessings Faith and I would be able to share and create.
So no, God did not leave. My thankfulness did. I was so wrapped in the guilt of owning WHAT HE HAD BLESSED ME WITH, that I forgot AGAIN to be
THANKFUL. To be thankful. How could I forget??
Then it hit me: Guilt always robs us of thankfulness. And Joy. Eucharisto.
And that's just where the enemy of my soul wants me. Wollowing in the guilt and shame instead of holding our head and heart up with grateful thanksgiving flowing out of a heart of joy to our provider.
Well, suffice it to say, I had a better day, and thanked Him along the way. And today? Well, I get to go to church and publicly worship with my family. And I have so much to be thankful for. How about you?