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When You Just Don't Feel Like You Can Do This Anymore
It has been a doosy of a day. I won't bore you with all the minute details, but this day has been very full, and full of ups, and downs.
On the upside, We were able to do #ouradventcheer today, and you can see it on twitter and instagram. But if you don't go there, we blessed a dear friend who happens to clean my house with a Christmas tree. Ivy is a single mom, and cleans houses for a living. She has very little time for herself, and we thought it would be fun to get her a tree today so she wouldn't have to waste time doing that, so she could just go home and set it up and decorate it. She was so excited, and I was going to post video, but....
On the down side, as I was working on editing the video, somehow my computer crashed. It must have gotten a virus or something, and although I can still use facebook, it is running very s-l-o-w-l-y and will not load video. And, I am writing this from my hubby's computer because I cannot even access this website from my Macbook. So I guess I will be going to Experimac tomorrow morning to see if they can salvage it. Yuck.
And that wasn't the worst of it.
It is still so surprising to me that I can be so encouraged one day, and write inspiring words about Being still and Knowing God, and so sad the next.
Remember I said I could still use Facebook? Well, I jumped on for a few minutes after the crash to ask for prayer for my computer issues to my friends and the Bible Journaling Community that I belong to. Also, a friend on there is due to have a baby girl any day and I wanted to see how she is doing. And what is the first thing that popped up? My second daughter, the one in another state, the one who is transitioning, has changed her status to "In a Relationship" with a girl who lives in Utah, and that she plans to move there ASAP so they can be together.
I don't know what hurts most: the news itself or the fact that I heard it on Facebook instead of a phone call. I know that is the way of this generation, but I had talked to my child several weeks ago and even asked about this, and was told the relationship was not moving forward. Maybe it wasn't. And I know I would probably have not given her a positive response if she would have told me, so I guess I understand why she didn't. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I wish I could just get over it. I pray I will be able to love this new love of my childs. But I can't help but wish I didn't have to. That it was all just a bad dream and I would wake up and it would all be over. I don't know how much more my heart can take.
But He does. He sees. He knows. He loves.
And He doesn't expect me to do this alone. After all, like I wrote yesterday, He IS with me. With Me. And He feels the depth of my pain. And as much as He feels it with me, He hurts for her, too. And I feel so loved that God would put that in my heart this week, and especially yesterday because He knew I would need to be encouraged by my own words (actually, His Word) today. Wow.
So I think I just need more stillness in the next few days.To practice what I preach. Just to regroup. Remind myself. Recount. To shore up the gratefulness, and let Him restore the joy. There is nothing joyful about sin. But there is always joy In Him. And that's where you will find me in the next few days. In Him.
So don't expect to see much from me in the next few days, except on instagram and twitter. I will write from there, and so will my youngest daughter. And pray the great guys at Experimac can get my computer going again. Or not- because it will be nice to just hunker down and be still and know Him more intimately in the next few days.
Right now, I am stunned. A bit shell shocked. But I will be fine. I am His, and He is mine. So we are good.
God is Good, even when life isn't.