His Garden of Grace
This morning when I awoke, I went out on my balcony as is my custom to watch the sunrise.
I know. I am very blessed. I have a balcony over the pool. It is beautiful. And it is the perfect place to take in the sunrise. My little view of heaven.
As I was looking out today, a mockingbird was in the tree nearby just singing away.
He (or she- I can't tell) just sang and sang.
I, as is also my custom, starting talking to God.
To continue from the last post, which I know, I know- it was supposed to be the day after that, but hey, better late than never, right?
Seriously, though I am sorry. I want to do better, but I just get busy with my stuff, and then the day goes by, and another day, and here it is June 11 and I haven't posted in days and I feel like a terrible person.....not really, ok, maybe just a little. I really am sorry. I am trying to be consistant. But life is so daily and I am so tired!!
So here I go. Happiness. Why I am not ever consistantly happy. And what is better. Remember?If not, go read this post first: Happiness Revisited Then come back. I will be here when you get back.
We are hard-wired for happiness. And we seek it everywhere, and in everything. Especially us Americans. That is our life-choice. Our hearts desire.
Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Right there in the Constitution. We are Entitled to It.
We are all the same, us Humans. We all want to be Happy. God created us that way.
So if we were created for happiness, then how come so many of us aren’t? And when we say we are happy, are we really, truly fulfilled? And when we are, why don’t we stay that way?
I read a couple of blog posts by Ann Voskamp yesterday. She is my current favorite writer, right up there with C.S. Lewis (I am currently reading Mere Christianity by him) because she speaks with truth and doesn't mess around, but she puts it in such a way that it hits my heart right where I need to hear it. She often waxes poetically, and has such a way with words. Like C.S. Lewis.
I think I was trying to avoid writing. Again. But God is so merciful. He always points me home. Even when I try to avoid it. Yesterday's post was great. It was about her brother, who after many years a bachelor, was wed. If you want to read the whole beautiful story, head over to aholyexperience.com. It is a great reminder not to give up hope. Which is always applicable in this girl's life. So that one was good, but the next one I read, really hit me. It was called, "How to get through the Dark Places". http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/01/how-to-get-through-the-dark-places-thejesusproject-2/
It is about a man, Cliff Young, who at 61 years old with no special training- just a farmer with a dream, ran and won the ultra-marathon to beat all other marathons: 544 miles. 5 days. In farm boots and overalls. Because Cliff Young ran- more like shuffled- through the darkness, without stopping. For the whole race, for the entire 544 miles, without stopping. The darkness did not overcome him. He ran straight through it. And there it was, right in the middle of the story- a word from God's heart that pierced me deep. Because sometimes I don't want to persevere anymore. I just want to stop loving. Stop praying. Stop hoping. But there it was, another love-drop from His heart to my weary, hopeless, dry heart.
The darkness that sucks at the prodigal kid doesn’t have anything on the light of his mother’s prayers.
Wow! My prayers can't stop. My heart can't stop loving because the light WILL overcome. The darkness DOES NOT win in the end. We know how the story ends, and better than that, we know The Victor. The Champion. And He is the Lover of our souls. The King of Glory, Jesus Christ. The One and Only. Hillsong United puts it this way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oY7cfRlzU3U So I will stay, should the world by me fold.
While doing the hard job of cleaning out the sewing/crafts/laundry/rumpus room, (AKA the garage) I had a wave of disappointment hit me.
I often struggle with guilt when I craft or do anything that is creative, because I have SO MUCH. Way too much. And I am a child of a parent who lived during the depression, and I tend to keep basically everything: every little scrap of fabric, (who knows when you might need a little heart our of that?) every child's notes, drawings and even blurry and out of focus pictures, with the intentions of scrapbooking them someday. (Besides, I am a sentimental person, and forgetful, so I have to keep those things around to remind me of the events and loves of my life). And I do like stuff. It makes me happy to see all the potential. But it also makes me feel guilty. And I think I inherited my mom's hoarding gene. Whatever. Its mine now. And I am hoarding it, too.
So when organizing all this stuff, (My hubby has another word for it, however I don't use that word, cause it is a "bathroom word") I was vascilating between guilt and elation, when a wave of disappointment hit me. It was early in the morning, and I had worked one full day and was looking forward to finishing the task.
I asked God, "why am I feeling like this? I feel like I am so hyper-focused on the task that I left you out again. Left you behind and I am functioning in my own will and my own strength. And I am missing you. Did I leave you again, Lord?" As a side note, I feel this way when I just go my own way. Often setting up whatever it is as an idol, giving it way more honor than it deserves. Basically, when I leave God out of my life.
But I also feel this way when, for whatever reason, I start feeling guilty about whatever it is that I am currently feeling guilty about. Today it was the garage. Specifically, the time it was taking to organize all my collections of (insert "bathroom word" here). Ahem. Stuff.